Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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