I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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