My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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