I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
