So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I wear drunk well.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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