My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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