mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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