Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
