im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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