remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
