I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
