I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
FUCK WHALES
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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