Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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