My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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