i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
