I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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