FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
