evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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