Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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