Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
