the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
