# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
