i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
