i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
