apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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