somebody snuck up and got me drunk
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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