jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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