I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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