My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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