U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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