this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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