Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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