it's like iHOP with fire
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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