I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
