He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
