have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
