His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
