i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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