seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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