so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
