I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
