Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
you made out with another girl for some wings
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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