the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
