hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
