so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
