So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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