my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
