Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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