i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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