just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
