I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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